Petrolhead
by RICHARD PORTER
Porter provides a withering snapshot of a typical day in the life of a motoring internet forum

A newcomer says they are about to buy a BMW 320d but wonders if there are any alternatives they may not have considered. One person gives a useful answer based on experience. Seven people don’t. A further nine people make in-jokes an outsider simply wouldn’t understand. The newcomer doesn’t come back.
Someone boasts about beating another car, making unsubtle references to driving at 120mph on a public road. Seven people aren’t impressed. One person uses the word ‘twat’. Someone gets banned, but not from driving. An argument breaks out.
A Nissan GT-R owner lists all the ways in which he considers that the vast engineering department at Nissan did not do an adequate job and the ways in which he, the owner of a building company in Rochdale, has remedied this.
Someone with a highly tuned car posts an unreadable graph taken from a rolling road session, along with an outlandish, Veyron-withering claim about how much power they have. A patently quite clever person delivers a short lecture about frictional losses. Three patently quite stupid people try to argue with him.
A person with a pseudonym that seemed funny six years ago draws attention to a car for sale. Five people pooh-pooh this car. One person says they ‘quite like it’.
Someone makes reference to their girlfriend for no real reason except to tell the world that they have a girlfriend.
A Nissan GT-R owner lists all the supercars they believe to be inferior to and slower than the Nissan GT-R.
Someone mentions Top Gear. Three other people say it’s an entertainment show and not a car show, as if they are the very first people ever to think of this.
Someone describes Rovers as rubbish. Someone else vehemently defends them.
Someone makes a cack-handed attempt to boast about how much they earn.
A Nissan GT-R owner declares that the Nissan GT-R is the best supercar money can buy. Eighteen people take issue with the use of the word ‘supercar’. An argument breaks out.
‘Another person prods at their keyboard to tell the world in acronym form that they “laughed out loud”’
A British person who lives abroad tries to make their new home country sound brilliant.
Someone refers to their car using an inexplicable capitalised abbreviation.
Someone starts a discussion about home electronics. Someone else makes an artless reference to the size of his own television as if actually and needlessly comparing penises. Someone smugly provides unrequested evidence of the speed of their home internet connection. A lone voice asks if we can get back to cars.
Someone makes a whimsical remark. Another person moves their mouse a couple of times, prods at their keyboard, moves their mouse again and devotes a total of 79 seconds of their time to tell the world in acronym form that they ‘laughed out loud’. They did not actually laugh out loud.
A man with a pair of breasts pictured under his username accuses someone else of being childish.
Someone refers to a car only by its obscure factory codename.
Someone asks an innocent question about wiper blades. A man whose auto-signature styles them as ‘no-nonsense’ immediately crushes them with passive-aggressive disdain before their mum tells them to get off the computer and come down for their dinner.
A man whose username is a car he hasn’t owned for six years asks for advice about practical small cars for his wife, ideally costing around £12,000. Someone immediately suggests a second-hand Boxster ‘like mine’.
A contributor confirms that yes, they are a girl. Seven male contributors make inept attempts to be charming.
Someone posts a photograph of a moderately famous actress and asks if she is hot or not. Five people immediately answer emphatically in the negative as if each of them is Brad Pitt. None of them is Brad Pitt. A lone voice asks if we can keep this to cars.
Ten pages later, the debate is still rolling. It is no longer safe to view at work.
Someone asks a question that, with a little effort, could be answered by a search engine. Three people leap to point this out. One of them is a total dick about it. An argument breaks out.
Someone accuses a magazine of unfair bias towards BMW/Porsche/Jaguar.
Someone makes a claim based on no information whatsoever. Two more people claim to have ‘heard that too’. Someone asks for proof. No proof is forthcoming. An argument breaks out.
The world keeps turning. People keep discussing cars on the internet.